batmanschmatman | 010 [video]

[For a moment, Dick was maybe ready to try again, just come out and say what had happened, even if he hadn't admitted what had happened to himself yet let alone to anyone else, but almost immediately, he stopped himself, staring at her. She said she wanted to help, but her last statement had almost been accusing him. He hadn't - It hadn't been - ]

I didn't do anything. [He hadn't hurt Cat, even if she was crazy, even if maybe she deserved it. He took a shuddery breath and ran a hand through his hair again, trying to figure out how to continue.]

I just... I just - she was touching me and I couldn't move and I told her not to touch me, or I didn't want to, I don't remember. She pulled off her shirt -

[Maybe it had been his fault. He could have fought back, pushed her off, told her no. Why hadn't he fought back? He was supposed to be better then this. He wasn't supposed to be a victim.]

I didn't do anything. I was just... there, watching it happen. She wouldn't get off of me and I just - [His voice broke. He ran the back of his hand over his eyes, ignoring the wetness, not looking at Hayley.]

[...

...

...

..Oh.

Hayley's eyes widened as it clicked and she stared at him, seeing the tears begin even if Dick was trying to scrub them away and pretend they didn't exist. A tightness rose in the girl's chest that she wasn't quite comfortable with. This was not what she had expected to find; in fact, this was the opposite direction entirely of what she had been suspecting. The way he spoke about it.. she knew it was true, without question. Because she had spoken--or, more specifically, not spoken--about her own experiences twice now. First with Harvey, then with Capa.

The inmate swallowed in the silence that thickened between them, finally mustering the courage to shatter that tranquility with the softest and most sincerely concerned voice she had ever used with Dick, possibly on the Barge as a whole.] "Did she.. have sex with you? While you were panicked and couldn't breath?"

[She avoided the word 'rape' specifically.]

Edited 2011-01-11 23:05 (UTC)

[How had they even gotten here in the first place? He didn't want to talk about it, and he sure as hell didn't feel better now that he'd said anything about it. There were some things he just didn't want to talk about, and this was one of them, because now he'd talked about it to someone, it was out there. In the open. For people to stare at and worry over and wonder why he hadn't done anything, why he'd been so fucking weak and let everything spiral out of control the way it had. It had been so much easier to just pretend it hadn't happened, just a nightmare, just something he didn't have to worry about anymore -

He was staring blankly at the wall now, basically expressionless, eyes still stinging. He wasn't going to call it anything. If he gave it a name, it would mean he was really admitting that it happened to him, and he couldn't do that.

He nodded.]

[Hayley moved awkwardly to sit beside him on the bed, ensuring some space between them, not entirely certain how to respond. She had expected him to admit to killing the guy himself or to killing Tarantula after, not Dick's being raped in his moment of utter meltdown. The girl silently vowed to take care of Catalina if she ever set foot on this ship, but meanwhile, Hayley was having trouble thinking of a reason why telling her had been a good idea. She certainly didn't want to talk about it, even after telling Capa.

And so they sat, Dick staring at the wall and Hayley alternating between the wall and Dick, for minutes on end before she finally opted for the cliche response, knowing it had helped her a little.]

"It's not your fault. You're probably thinking about what you could have done, how you could have stopped it. Maybe if you'd been a little more.. whatever. Stronger, alert, outspoken. Maybe it wouldn't have happened. But it would have, and it did. And you have to realize that there's nothing you could have done to change that, or you'll never move on." [Hayley spoke from experience and she couldn't help that a little bit of that sort of empathy slipped into her tone. She believed the words for the most part; she only regretted not killing her father before she died.] "And it doesn't make you anything. You're not a victim and you're not worthless and you're not weak or emasculated or anything like that. She took advantage of you."

[Dick didn't know what to do with himself. Usually, he'd go out on patrol, try and clear his head, or bother someone about doing something, or just... find something else to do. But he couldn't do that here, especially when he was hurt and tired, and probably coming down with something at this point, because he really did feel kind of like shit, especially after this.

He appreciated what she was saying, even if it was stuff he already knew. He'd sort of come to terms with what had happened, more or less, in that he knew there was nothing he could do about it and he was alive and more or less okay, he'd just never talked to anyone about it before. Or admitted that it happened.

Still, the empathy was appreciated, and Dick was smart enough to know that it could easily come from a place of experience, but he wasn't going to push her into talking or anything. God knows he knew it sucked to get into this stuff.]

I know. [He scrubbed a hand over his face again, managing an incredibly shaky smile, which was pretty unconvincing.] I just... haven't talked to anyone about it. So.

[He paused for another minute.] Don't tell Tim about this, okay? He's got enough to worry about already without thinking I'm going to have a breakdown or something.

[Hayley offered him a slightly better smile than his own, even if it wasn't entirely convincing either. She opened her mouth to speak, then stopped herself when he talked again, but immediately jumped on the end of his words. There was a big red flag there for her. Sure, Hayley hadn't spoken to anyone about it before Harvey, but she had told him eventually. Before the Barge? She didn't have anyone to tell. Dick did.]

"Wait, what? You haven't told anyone? Like, anyone anyone? I mean, whatever, okay, I promise not to tell Tim, but.. Not Bruce or a shrink or anyone?" [And she thought her coping methods were unhealthy.] "Please tell me Gray Skull doesn't know, at least?"

[Dick was fully aware how messed up that was, especially to someone who didn't really know him, but honestly? He just didn't like bothering people with his problems. And he'd picked a really bad time for his life to fall apart. Maybe if things had been quieter, maybe if the gang war, and Tim's support system getting destroyed one person at a time, and Chemo and everything hadn't happened, he would have said something. Or at least mentioned it. Maybe.

Probably not.]

He doesn't. I haven't told anyone. [He settled back further on the bed, leaning back farther against the pillows.] I... I should have done something. Sometimes it feels like - [He paused again, looking down at his bruised hands.] It feels like I didn't say anything because I thought I deserved it.

[He was quiet for another minute, letting out a humorless, defeated chuckle before swiping at his eyes again.] Why am I telling you any of this?

[Hayley again took time to process what he saying, already beginning to work on her reply. She noticed his change in posture and she shifted to accommodate, pulling one leg up on the bed so she was mostly facing him. His response about deserving it concerned her. The inmate's eyebrows knitted together with confusion and concern and she rested her hands in her lap.

When he laughed and asked her that final question, she shifted uncomfortably. The truth was, she really didn't have an answer for that. Hayley had threatened to blackmail him to some extent and she had pushed and didn't plan on giving up, but Dick hadn't told anyone. Why did he tell her?]

"Because you wanted to. You wanted to tell someone and, up until this point? No one's probably pushed to ask. And.. you can trust me, even if you don't really know that yet." [She offered in consolation, staring down at her lap. Hayley lifted the nail of her thumb to scratch the outside edge of her eyebrow, a subtle, nervous gesture.]

[After a pause, she spoke again.] "Do you.. Do you want me to spend the night? You can talk until you fall asleep or until you don't want to anymore-- but you should. You know you should.. and I think you want to, even if you don't really realize it."

[He wasn't so sure about the wanting to part. He would have been fine with never talking about it, just pretending it hadn't happened. Talking about what bothered him had never really been his thing, either as a defense mechanism for himself, or to not be a burden to other people. He didn't want to bother people about this kind of thing. It was different from being mad at Bruce and telling him why. When something bothered him, and only him, especially when it was something like this, he'd rather keep it to himself.

But she was right about no one having pushed him about it before. Bruce hadn't even asked about what happened after the fact, too distracted by Gotham falling apart, and even after that, he'd been the one to finally admit what had happened. And by that time, so much more had happened, and he just... didn't bring it up. Cat was in prison, he was sort of back on track, and then the universe had tried to end. And it wasn't like they'd really done a lot of talking about anything that had happened when they left Gotham. Anyone who thought that a vacation with Bruce, Dick and Tim by themselves, away from everything else equaled talking about their feelings would have been sadly mistaken.

He finally shrugged, not really sure what to say to that. And really, about the other point, he didn't have a lot of choice but to trust her. She already knew. And on top of that, she knew about Nightwing and everything, and he hadn't had people coming up to him saying Hayley had told them who he was.

Okay. Who was he kidding. Even if she'd pretty much blackmailed him into talking, he did kind of more or less trust her, and honestly? It was a moved he might have tried too, had he been in her shoes and concerned about someone. She might have done it out of sheer curiosity, but... he sort of understood.

He looked at her hesitantly at the offer. To be honest, he didn't really want to be alone right now. Even if Hayley tried to get him to talk more about what happened, at least he wasn't going to have to grapple with all of this by himself.] You don't mind?

[Hayley didn't entirely know what she was doing. She had come here to make Dick talk about his wounds, expecting a confession of being reckless or the like. Then she was cleaning. Then she was pushing him for information she thought would lead to him turning out to be a villain after all, then he was admitting being raped, and now he was asking her to stay. Or, accepting her offer. The semantics didn't matter as much as the situation overall. The girl was getting carried away by a mixture of curiosity and sincere caring, a combination which had gotten her into quite some trouble before. Still, it wasn't like she could just turn around, say she was kidding, and walk away to leave him alone by himself.

She knew superheroes always endured a lot. It was part of their nature as entertainment to be destined to fall unto repeated misery and conflict, but she didn't think the writers would do something like that.. Or were the writers really making the choice at all? Here Dick was, alive and unwell in front of her, reacting and speaking like a real human being. The same way Harvey had.

It was more than a little confusing.]

"No.." [The inmate glanced away, biting her lower lip for only a second before she answered.] "Not at all. I just have to check in with Capa and let him know."

[And hopefully Capa would trust her enough not to try to interfere or ask too many questions about why a teenage girl was wanting to spend the night with a superhero. Although, her warden probably didn't know he was a superhero. And really? Dick wasn't her type.. if she even had one.]

"In that case?" [Hayley kicked off her shoes and lifted her other leg to sit cross-legged on the side of his bed, facing him. She also shifted to remove the taser from her pocket, though she set it in her lap. It was awkward to sit on. The inmate pulled out her communicator and typed a message to Capa. After a beat, she looked up at him again.] "What happened to her?"

[He nodded, managing another not happy, small smile.] Thanks Hayley. [It was earnest, honest, and not as choked as much of what he'd said recently had been. As weird as it was, he actually was sort of letting himself relax a little. He wasn't sure why, since he still wasn't happy about what he'd just told her about, but already he could kind of feel the defensive walls going back up. He was consciously trying to distance himself from what had happened, and it was slowly starting to work.

He watched her get settled before grabbing one of the pillows and tucking it under his arm. This part was easier to talk about, even if it still carried a lot of bad memories.]

I made her turn herself in. I tried to turn myself in too, but my old boss wouldn't let me. She knew I was Nightwing, and she didn't want me throwing my life away because I felt guilty about what happened.

... I don't know what happened to her after that. [Although seriously, he hoped she was still in prison.]

[Hayley still wasn't convinced that there wasn't more to the story, but she was willing to get it piece by piece if she had to. There was still Dick being in the mob to talk about and why he'd switched from Robin to Nightwing and what was the deal with Bludhaven and why he hated Harvey so much. But those were all things that could wait. Right now, he needed to talk more about what had happened, whether he consciously wanted to or not. The girl wasn't sure whether it was the desperation for empathy or sincere compassion that made her feel that way, but she liked to think it was the latter.]

"Do you mind?... If I sit on the bed with you, I mean. I can move back to the couch if you want to lay down or whatever. Normally I'd tease you about you taking the couch, but I have this bad feeling you might take me up on it and you're totally sick, so I can't even risk it." [She gave a dorky little smile to accompany her teasing, trying to lighten his mood again despite the serious topic.]

[After a pause, though, Hayley sobered and returned her attention to the topic at hand.] "Do you know if she ended up in jail or got acquitted or anything at all?"

[Hopefully some justice, however stunted, would help him feel better about the situation.] "..Why didn't you tell anyone before?"

I'm not - [He stopped the protest, smiling a little sheepishly. He wasn't going to be fooling anyone, the way he looked and felt.] It's fine. I don't mind.

She's in prison. Or, she was, the last time I checked.

[That one was harder to answer, and he was quiet for a moment before trying to figure out what to say, fiddling with the pillow a little. The full answer involved other people's secrets, and even though he didn't mind Hayley nosing around in his life - anymore, since he was kind of getting used to it at this point - he was pretty sure Tim wouldn't appreciate someone just knowing about all the crap he'd been through. Or Steph, honestly.] Right after it happened, there was a gang war in Gotham. That sort of took priority, and things kind of just spiraled out of control from there. Other stuff took precedent.

[Prison. What a waste of justice.

Hayley didn't say anything else on it, not exactly knowing what she would say anyway. Besides, Dick seemed to be worrying more about the latter answer and, when it finally came, as much as she hated to admit it, she understood. The girl couldn't help but wonder if that was all it was, though. The way he spoke and the way he had told her originally was giving her the feeling there were two answers: the reason he didn't tell anyone and the reason he had convinced himself he didn't tell anyone.]

"Do you ever think maybe you didn't want to tell them? That you were like, afraid of admitting it happened or what it could mean? I mean, if no one asked, it would be a lot easier to try to pretend it never happened." [She realized a little late that this was sounding more like empathy than speculation, but it wasn't like she could stop herself retroactively. Instead, she just carried on, hoping he wouldn't really interpret it that way and just think of her as nosier instead.] "Or, okay, maybe you really did just get caught up or not want to burden anyone while other stuff was going on.. but do you really think that's true?"

[Dick squirmed a little under the pretext of getting comfortable. He didn't like being psychoanalyzed, even under the pretext of being helpful, and this was all stuff he didn't want to talk about. Really, if he didn't feel like crap, he might have suggested walking about the deck or something. That usually helped get him to open up a little. He didn't like just sitting, talking about stuff, but he knew he didn't really have a lot of choice.

He ran a hand over his face, trying to figure out what to say without actually saying anything. He'd never really thought about it before. He'd just done it. He didn't know why or if he would have said something if things were different. He'd kind of wanted to tell Bruce about Blockbuster at one point, especially when he gave him that look - the one that said I know something's wrong and you're not telling me for whatever reason - but he had said he was fine and they moved on to more important things. Dick didn't want to admit what he'd done - or not done - and he didn't want to bother him when there was other stuff going on.]

I don't... I don't know. Maybe. [But what about the other thing? Maybe he didn't want to admit what had happened because he was scared, or more probably, because he felt like he deserved it. He'd made a mistake, he'd gotten hurt, and he'd deserved it because he'd screwed up. He didn't want people to worry about him, and he didn't want to think about it, so it was easier to pretend it hadn't happened.]

[After a beat of staring curiously, Hayley snapped out of her empathy. What had happened to Dick was very different from what had happened to her and she shouldn't have been trying to connect the two for her own comfort. As if knowing someone who had gone through similar things would make it somehow easier or less fucked up. She looked over to his shelf and then down to her communicator, waiting for Capa's reply to ensure she was in the clear and could start settling in a little more. Then something occurred to her.]

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't even.. It's none of my business. I mean, anything you want to talk about, I'll listen, okay? Even if it's not the serious stuff." [Thus far, Dick had done nothing wrong. Hayley had let evil people die, or encouraged them, more than a handful of times and if he was feeling guilt over that, it meant he was either as good as he seemed or he was displacing guilt over something else, something she hadn't found yet.]

[The truth was, however, that Hayley was short on friends right now. Harper's cutting her off from Rex has made their friendship drift a little, Crane was busy considering whether or not to dose and kill himself, and Loki seemed to be so much less redeemed than she had believed. With Harry gone, Cissie and Stephanie worrying about Black Mask, and Merlin dealing with his own life as well, Hayley was becoming more and more alone and that fact scared her. Capa could only do so much.]

No, it's okay. [And for a minute, he was sort of surprised at how easy that had been to say. He didn't like talking about it, but now that it was kind of out there, it wasn't as hard to try and think of things to say. Maybe he really had just needed someone to push him in that direction.]

We just... don't talk about this kind of thing. Back home, I mean. [Not that he really had a problem with that, necessarily. It was something he'd come to accept was just how his weird family unit functioned. He knew it was really unhealthy, probably, but they were vigilantes who, for the most part, had gotten into the business because of personal tragedy and a desire for revenge that had turned into something more selfless.

He shrugged, trying to elaborate on his previous answer.] When I finally told Bruce about what happened with Blockbuster, there was this... crisis. The universe almost ended, I almost died, and we kind of just needed some time off after. So, if I'd wanted to talk about it, other stuff kinda got in the way. [He frowned, rubbing at his chest for a moment where the near fatal injury had been. That had been scary, choking on blood with Tim screaming over him and Bruce... somewhere else. He didn't really remember a lot of what had happened, honestly.]

[Hayley definitely understood the idea of not talking about things at home, but she worried that only made Dick more like her and she was trying to stray away from the empathy without losing her friend. The girl shifted quietly as he was speaking to the foot of his bed, leaning against the board at the foot and pulling her knees to her chest. The position made her look more her age and small size than she usually did. She moved the taser from her lap to beside her, toward the inside of the bed, and continued to watch him as he spoke.]

"Sometimes not talking about things is good, but most of the time? It sucks. I mean, not consciously, maybe? But in the long-term." [She bit her lower lip again, trying not to ignore anything or let it become too uncomfortable.] "Can I ask about how you--"

[The inmate glanced down at her communicator, picking it up and reading. She looked up at Dick.] "Capa said he wants to stop by to make sure I'm okay and that you're not like, twisting my arm or using my communicator or something. Then he's fine with me staying. Is that okay? He can be like, totally overprotective.. But I kind of appreciate that? I think I need it sometimes, so I'd rather have it than not."

[She probably had a point. Of course, that didn't mean he was going to start following that particular advice, especially since this had been pretty much what he'd been doing since he was eight, but she had a point. And Dick was definitely starting to suspect that she wasn't just talking about him anymore, not that he was going to prod her about it. Trying to dig into her past would feel a little like revenge or something at this point, and he didn't want to do that to her.

Part of him was actually curious about what she was going to say before the communicator interrupted her. Dick shrugged at the question, managing a not forced smile.] That's fine. I don't mind. [It wasn't like people hadn't seen just how whipped he was anyway. His last couple posts to the network had been videos, and people had seen him in the infirmary.]

[Some tiny part of Hayley's mind wished she could tell Dick about her own experiences, but the rest of her was hypocritical to some extent and glad not to talk about it. The difference being that she had told Harvey and Capa at least, even if she and Capa hadn't spoken about it at all beyond her telling him what had happened. At least she had told someone.

She gave him a 'one moment' gesture with her index finger before typing in her reply to her warden on the communicator, informing him of the room number and such. It was a little awkward, feeling like the celluloid teen with the overprotective friend; then again, if it was a movie, Capa would be watching her because he loved her and would be jealous of her relationship with Dick. Movies could never be platonic.

After her reply, she looked up at him again and set her communicator beside her taser.] "He should be here in a second or two."

Okay. [Thinking about how odd or not odd this was didn't really occur to Dick. Hayley was a friend, period, and Dick didn't have any ulterior motives, so why bother thinking about it? And considering his track record with romantic relationships, the last thing he was looking for was to get involved with anyone on a prison ship transcending time and space, especially someone who was younger, an inmate, and starting to venture into that 'kid sister I never had' territory, even if right now, Hayley was acting more like the adult keeping a scared kid company.

Either way, he was okay with Capa showing up, and took the break in conversation as an opportunity to sink even further back into the pillows, trying not to actually fall asleep, but tired enough that he was hovering around that territory whether he wanted to or not.]

[Capa's motives were completely innocent and he did suspect that Dick's were, as well. The scientist just didn't think of things in those terms, but he could be, as Hayley noted, just a touch overprotective of her, especially after what she had revealed to him. Though they hadn't discussed it since then, it still made him more than a little nervous.

He knocked on the door once and rocked back on his heels. There was a stretchy cap jammed over his head to hide his hair. God forbid anyone see it.]

Hey, it's Capa.

[At the sound of a knock, Hayley practically fell over herself to bolt toward the door. She didn't want Dick getting up with how injured he seemed and Capa just wanted to see her and make sure she was okay anyway. The inmate even left her taser and communicator on the bed as she moved, trying not to trip on the piles of random items still left on the floor.

Hayley unlocked the door and threw it halfway open with an innocent smile not particularly appropriate to her and Dick's conversation.]

"Hey." [She paused a beat as she leaned into the door, trying to keep it from showing too much of Dick's room without appearing like she was trying to keep Capa out.] "I'm totally fine, see? It's okay."

[Dick leaned over slightly, trying to see the other warden without actually getting - or falling, because his sense of balance was still a little off after his encounter with the Aztec warriors - off of the bed. It was sort of a small feat, because while he was definitely hurting, he was more just feeling exhausted and run down by this point. It had been a rough couple days.

As it was, Hayley and the half open door were pretty much blocking Capa from view. They hadn't exactly done a ton of hanging out before or anything, but he knew he looked like the alternate Crane's twin brother, and he seemed like a decent guy from what he knew from Hayley.] Hi Capa.

[Capa tried to peer around Hayley, but it honestly didn't matter too much to him. He heard the man's voice and that's all he needed.] Hello, Dick. [The scientist turned his attention back to Hayley and gave her a small smile.] I see, I see. I just had to make sure. With...everything that's been going on here, it doesn't hurt to be a little cautious. [He hadn't really liked the Aztecs being around, but he didn't think Dick was a bad influence. He was actually glad that she seemed to be branching out.

He just wanted to make sure that it was legitimate and not forced.]

Take care. And I expect you to check in on your journal frequently. I'll be around.

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