batmanschmatman | 010 [video]

[That seemed fair enough, and he'd done this enough times with other people to know the dangers and benefits of exchanging information this way, so he nodded after only a couple seconds of hesitation.] Okay. So, that's my question. Or, do you want to ask me a question before you answer that one?

Edited 2011-01-11 06:59 (UTC)

"Because the Admiral doesn't like the way I tried to help people." [It was honest, if a bit vague. But he had as many questions as he was willing to share answers, so she was hoping it would be enough to start him on a long path.] "You said you let 'her' kill him. Who's her?"

[The inmate set the hat on his dresser and then maneuvered her way back around to the couch to take a seat. Now this was interesting.]

[That got a sort of cautiously amused smile, because seriously, should he be concerned that she'd taken an interest in him? But it fell at her question.]

Tarantula. She was... [How did he even begin to explain that fiasco? He caught himself before he elaborated further, mostly because he really didn't need to spiral. He was already trying to push away the memories of the gunshot that had haunted him for weeks afterwards.] What do you mean, tried to help people?

[...Tarantula? Seriously? Hayley tried to ignore the ridiculous name in favor of focusing on her next question. It clearly was not something he was happy about, but that made her all the more curious. After all, no one was proud of their dark secrets, of the things they tried to hide from everyone about who they really were. Even Hayley, if she was honest with herself.]

"I mean.. tried to help people. I tried to stop people from getting raped, abused, and murdered." [She said it as nonchalantly as possible, even though she still wasn't sure whether or not to tell him the truth. If she could reach his secret before he could reach one of hers, then maybe she wouldn't have to reveal it.] "Why did you let her kill him?"

[Well, that was curious. After all, Dick tried to stop people from getting raped, abused, and murdered too, but he wasn't an inmate, which probably meant Hayley used lethal force or something. And while Dick himself was against killing? He had friends with slightly looser moral codes, so that wasn't really all that shocking.]

Because I didn't want to save him. [It was the same answer he'd given Bruce and Costigan too, and if he kept it vague and led her away from asking about Tarantula, that was fine by him.] So, you're a vigilante. Do you have like, a codename?

[He was leading her down a path the same as she was leading him, even if he didn't realize it. She smiled slightly at the idea, tilting her head in an innocent fashion. Sometimes, the inmate couldn't help but feign naivety.]

"I wasn't a vigilante. It had nothing to do with law. So, no, I didn't use a codename. I didn't even lie about my name most of the time." [She gave a mischievous little smile then, enjoying this way too much.] "Why didn't you want to save him?"

Because in that moment, he was everything that was wrong with the world. So I just walked away. [And she'd shot him, and he'd had an emotional breakdown in the rain on the roof of the building and Tarantula had come out and - ]

So, why'd you do it, if it didn't have to do with the law? [He had a feeling this would be a 'pass' question, but it never hurt to ask.]

[Hayley considered what he was saying, wondering how it was he could seem so calm talking about these things that were supposed to be secrets. Unless she was on the wrong track, but they weren't supposed to use violence.. There had to be something.]

"Right and wrong." [She replied to his question with a shrug, then picked up her coffee from the table and took a sip. After a thought, she set it back down.] "Mm. How do you know he died if you just left?"

[Keeping it flat and detached was really the only way he's able to talk about any of this. Getting emotionally involved and remembering everything that happened as it happened would be like ripping a bandaid off a wound that hadn't and probably never would really heal.]

Because I heard it happen. [And it had seriously haunted him. He had thought the worst noise he'd ever heard was his parent's bodies hitting the ground in the circus tent fifty feet below them, but he'd been wrong.] Why do you want me to like Harvey?

[Hayley's brows scrunched together in confusion for a second. She was expecting him to continue down the same path, asking who and how rather than jumping to a new topic entirely. Still, it wasn't like he couldn't do that as part of their vague arrangement, so she scratched at her hair and answered with the confusion in her voice as well.] "Because I like him and I don't like people I might be friends with hating people I-- people I'm close to."

[Then her face returned to almost neutral to skip to her next question.] "But how did you know he died? How do you know she didn't miss and get hurt or that she didn't help him get away or something? I mean, you walked away, right? How do you know?"

[Dick didn't say anything about Harvey, staring blankly at the opposite wall. He was consciously trying to keep himself in control. The problem with not really dealing with stuff that happened to you was that when it came up again, it really kicked your ass.]

I was only like, ten-fifteen feet away from her when it happened. I know what happened.

[And he was quiet again, not even bothering to ask her a question. He felt tired and kind of tense.]

[Hayley stared at him in silence for a long time. There was still something there she was missing. She waited for another question to come, but when none did, she slid forward to the edge of the couch and looked at him with concern more than any excitement. Dick was her friend, after all, or something like it.]

"Did you give her the gun, is that it?" [Her voice wasn't probing anymore. It was sincerely questioning.] "What aren't you saying? I mean, short of you raping her or something? I'm not going to judge you. You have secrets. I get that. I do. But you have to tell someone, Dick. You have to tell someone or they're going to haunt you forever. I'm not going to tell anyone if it's something you did, not as long as you try to make amends for it. If it's something you.. didn't do, or something you let happen? I won't tell anyone, but you have to tell me."

[Her voice was nearly pleading by the end.]

[He had to suppress as she continued, certain things hitting him a little harder then they probably should. But when he spoke, his voice was level, purposely controlled, although his hands were clenched into tight fists, and he definitely wasn't touching the secrets thing with a ten foot pole.]

I didn't give her the gun. I didn't rape her. I lost sight of the value of Blockbuster's life and I walked away, and I spent the next couple months trying to kill myself to make up for it, looking for some way to atone for what I'd done. It was messed up, things happened, and I moved on.

[More or less. If he'd really moved on, he wouldn't be here.]

[Hayley noticed those fists and his controlled voice. That meant she was close to the truth and, if nothing else, the girl was good at uncovering the secrets people didn't want to share. Or so she hoped. Dick was someone she didn't quite know well enough to know what buttons to press, but she also knew that if she didn't take this chance right here and right now, she would probably never get to this point again.]

"Do you really think killing yourself would have changed anything?" [Logically, that was not proper atonement. But if what Hayley thought about Blockbuster was true, then she would have wanted the man to die anyway.]

"But there's something there you're not telling me, something you probably haven't told anyone. Maybe you pulled the trigger yourself or you wanted him to die or you asked her to. Whatever it is, it's what's preventing you from moving on. It's why your fists are clenched and you look like you're about to punch someone-- to punch me, I guess.." [She glanced sideways, then back to Dick again.] "I'm sorry, but you really need to tell someone. I mean, I'd prefer it was me, obviously, but I can't force you. What I can do is tell Tim that there's something he's missing and let him try to get it out of you, but I really.. I think you'd be happier telling me, because I don't know the people involved so I couldn't really judge you the same even if I wanted to, you know? And I mean, you don't have to see me ever again. Do you really want Tim looking at you like that? Wondering what he knows? If Stephanie knows.. or Eddie..?"

[Hayley stared him straight on, the same level of concern plastered on her features.] "It's okay, Dick. I won't tell anyone if you talk to me. You know, it probably wasn't even your fault? But you'll never move past it if you don't talk to me."

Edited 2011-01-11 08:23 (UTC)

[Dick sat quietly through Hayley's appeal. For a moment, she sounded a little like Bruce with the comment about killing himself, but the rest of it was... different. No one had bothered to ask what had gone on after Blockbuster was actually dead, no one had prodded him this hard about what had happened, and he'd been fine with it. He'd basically put a bandaid on it and moved on. Besides, there had been more important things to worry about after it had happened. Bludhaven had been destroyed, the universe had almost ended, Tim had been a mess after losing his girlfriend, father and best friend within days and weeks of each other, he'd almost died, and there were just other things to worry about. He hadn't brought it up and no one else had asked.

He knew he was probably just being manipulated. Hayley was curious, and while she did have some pretty logical points - in that denying everything that had happened didn't mean it hadn't happened - it did feel a little bit like blackmail, because no, he didn't want Tim wondering about what had happened. The kid had enough to deal with without worrying about him, and the same went for Steph. He was supposed to be the responsible one, the rock, the one who'd always be there when things went wrong, and he couldn't do that if they were too busy walking on eggshells around him. Of course, her concern could be genuine, but it was the threat of telling someone else - of telling his younger brother, that made him try to strengthen his resolve.

He ran both hands through his hair, taking a slow breath, trying to figure out how to approach this. He still didn't want to, but again, if the alternative was having her tell Tim? He didn't really have a lot of choice.

He tried to relax his hands. It really hurt to keep them clenched anyway, considering how damaged they were in the wake of the Aztec invasion, and he didn't want to make it seem like he was going to snap. He was fine. He could do this.]

I don't want to punch you.

[It was another long stretch of silence before he could actually get his throat to unstick.] After she shot him, I went up on the roof and... It was raining and I couldn't breathe. [Another pause.] I collapsed, and she - Catalina came out and she touched me and -

[He stopped. He was shaking, fists clenched tightly again. The last couple words had spilled out of his mouth, but just as suddenly he'd stopped, unable to continue.

He couldn't do it. He couldn't. This wasn't like just flatly telling people about Blockbuster, or telling Steph about what had happened with Two Face, or talking about his parents. He couldn't talk about this.]

[Hayley was primarily oblivious to what else was going on at the same time as this instance he was talking about with 'Tarantula' and 'Blockbuster.' It allowed her to dig deeper. The girl knew how to recognize hiding secrets both from her own experiences and from dealing with Aaron, Jeff, and others. It took him just long enough to reply, amidst a handful of insecure, vulnerable, and anxious gestures for her to know she was right.

When he said he didn't want to punch her, she held her tongue, knowing another reply would have to follow if she didn't provide him an out. Finally he started talking.. and not saying at all what she had thought. The few hints he gave her weren't clicking, despite taking a long pause to think about it and try to piece things together. Dick was shaking and she still didn't know why.

The inmate got up and moved around the table, never taking her gaze away from Dick. She moved near to him, leaning forward until their eyes were on the same level, searching every part of his expression for what exactly he was hiding. Maybe she would have to convince Dick to kill himself after all.]

"It's okay, Dick. It's okay. I'm not going to tell anyone and no one's going to judge you. All you have to do is tell me the truth and I can help you to get over it. I can help you make things right and move on. This isn't like the real world, you can't escape this by killing yourself or running away. Please. Just tell me what it is so that I can help you." [Her voice took on the almost pleading tone again, the same voice she'd used with Jeff to convince him to jump.] "What happened, Dick? What did you do?"

[For a moment, Dick was maybe ready to try again, just come out and say what had happened, even if he hadn't admitted what had happened to himself yet let alone to anyone else, but almost immediately, he stopped himself, staring at her. She said she wanted to help, but her last statement had almost been accusing him. He hadn't - It hadn't been - ]

I didn't do anything. [He hadn't hurt Cat, even if she was crazy, even if maybe she deserved it. He took a shuddery breath and ran a hand through his hair again, trying to figure out how to continue.]

I just... I just - she was touching me and I couldn't move and I told her not to touch me, or I didn't want to, I don't remember. She pulled off her shirt -

[Maybe it had been his fault. He could have fought back, pushed her off, told her no. Why hadn't he fought back? He was supposed to be better then this. He wasn't supposed to be a victim.]

I didn't do anything. I was just... there, watching it happen. She wouldn't get off of me and I just - [His voice broke. He ran the back of his hand over his eyes, ignoring the wetness, not looking at Hayley.]

[...

...

...

..Oh.

Hayley's eyes widened as it clicked and she stared at him, seeing the tears begin even if Dick was trying to scrub them away and pretend they didn't exist. A tightness rose in the girl's chest that she wasn't quite comfortable with. This was not what she had expected to find; in fact, this was the opposite direction entirely of what she had been suspecting. The way he spoke about it.. she knew it was true, without question. Because she had spoken--or, more specifically, not spoken--about her own experiences twice now. First with Harvey, then with Capa.

The inmate swallowed in the silence that thickened between them, finally mustering the courage to shatter that tranquility with the softest and most sincerely concerned voice she had ever used with Dick, possibly on the Barge as a whole.] "Did she.. have sex with you? While you were panicked and couldn't breath?"

[She avoided the word 'rape' specifically.]

Edited 2011-01-11 23:05 (UTC)

[How had they even gotten here in the first place? He didn't want to talk about it, and he sure as hell didn't feel better now that he'd said anything about it. There were some things he just didn't want to talk about, and this was one of them, because now he'd talked about it to someone, it was out there. In the open. For people to stare at and worry over and wonder why he hadn't done anything, why he'd been so fucking weak and let everything spiral out of control the way it had. It had been so much easier to just pretend it hadn't happened, just a nightmare, just something he didn't have to worry about anymore -

He was staring blankly at the wall now, basically expressionless, eyes still stinging. He wasn't going to call it anything. If he gave it a name, it would mean he was really admitting that it happened to him, and he couldn't do that.

He nodded.]

[Hayley moved awkwardly to sit beside him on the bed, ensuring some space between them, not entirely certain how to respond. She had expected him to admit to killing the guy himself or to killing Tarantula after, not Dick's being raped in his moment of utter meltdown. The girl silently vowed to take care of Catalina if she ever set foot on this ship, but meanwhile, Hayley was having trouble thinking of a reason why telling her had been a good idea. She certainly didn't want to talk about it, even after telling Capa.

And so they sat, Dick staring at the wall and Hayley alternating between the wall and Dick, for minutes on end before she finally opted for the cliche response, knowing it had helped her a little.]

"It's not your fault. You're probably thinking about what you could have done, how you could have stopped it. Maybe if you'd been a little more.. whatever. Stronger, alert, outspoken. Maybe it wouldn't have happened. But it would have, and it did. And you have to realize that there's nothing you could have done to change that, or you'll never move on." [Hayley spoke from experience and she couldn't help that a little bit of that sort of empathy slipped into her tone. She believed the words for the most part; she only regretted not killing her father before she died.] "And it doesn't make you anything. You're not a victim and you're not worthless and you're not weak or emasculated or anything like that. She took advantage of you."

[Dick didn't know what to do with himself. Usually, he'd go out on patrol, try and clear his head, or bother someone about doing something, or just... find something else to do. But he couldn't do that here, especially when he was hurt and tired, and probably coming down with something at this point, because he really did feel kind of like shit, especially after this.

He appreciated what she was saying, even if it was stuff he already knew. He'd sort of come to terms with what had happened, more or less, in that he knew there was nothing he could do about it and he was alive and more or less okay, he'd just never talked to anyone about it before. Or admitted that it happened.

Still, the empathy was appreciated, and Dick was smart enough to know that it could easily come from a place of experience, but he wasn't going to push her into talking or anything. God knows he knew it sucked to get into this stuff.]

I know. [He scrubbed a hand over his face again, managing an incredibly shaky smile, which was pretty unconvincing.] I just... haven't talked to anyone about it. So.

[He paused for another minute.] Don't tell Tim about this, okay? He's got enough to worry about already without thinking I'm going to have a breakdown or something.

[Hayley offered him a slightly better smile than his own, even if it wasn't entirely convincing either. She opened her mouth to speak, then stopped herself when he talked again, but immediately jumped on the end of his words. There was a big red flag there for her. Sure, Hayley hadn't spoken to anyone about it before Harvey, but she had told him eventually. Before the Barge? She didn't have anyone to tell. Dick did.]

"Wait, what? You haven't told anyone? Like, anyone anyone? I mean, whatever, okay, I promise not to tell Tim, but.. Not Bruce or a shrink or anyone?" [And she thought her coping methods were unhealthy.] "Please tell me Gray Skull doesn't know, at least?"

[Dick was fully aware how messed up that was, especially to someone who didn't really know him, but honestly? He just didn't like bothering people with his problems. And he'd picked a really bad time for his life to fall apart. Maybe if things had been quieter, maybe if the gang war, and Tim's support system getting destroyed one person at a time, and Chemo and everything hadn't happened, he would have said something. Or at least mentioned it. Maybe.

Probably not.]

He doesn't. I haven't told anyone. [He settled back further on the bed, leaning back farther against the pillows.] I... I should have done something. Sometimes it feels like - [He paused again, looking down at his bruised hands.] It feels like I didn't say anything because I thought I deserved it.

[He was quiet for another minute, letting out a humorless, defeated chuckle before swiping at his eyes again.] Why am I telling you any of this?

[Hayley again took time to process what he saying, already beginning to work on her reply. She noticed his change in posture and she shifted to accommodate, pulling one leg up on the bed so she was mostly facing him. His response about deserving it concerned her. The inmate's eyebrows knitted together with confusion and concern and she rested her hands in her lap.

When he laughed and asked her that final question, she shifted uncomfortably. The truth was, she really didn't have an answer for that. Hayley had threatened to blackmail him to some extent and she had pushed and didn't plan on giving up, but Dick hadn't told anyone. Why did he tell her?]

"Because you wanted to. You wanted to tell someone and, up until this point? No one's probably pushed to ask. And.. you can trust me, even if you don't really know that yet." [She offered in consolation, staring down at her lap. Hayley lifted the nail of her thumb to scratch the outside edge of her eyebrow, a subtle, nervous gesture.]

[After a pause, she spoke again.] "Do you.. Do you want me to spend the night? You can talk until you fall asleep or until you don't want to anymore-- but you should. You know you should.. and I think you want to, even if you don't really realize it."

[He wasn't so sure about the wanting to part. He would have been fine with never talking about it, just pretending it hadn't happened. Talking about what bothered him had never really been his thing, either as a defense mechanism for himself, or to not be a burden to other people. He didn't want to bother people about this kind of thing. It was different from being mad at Bruce and telling him why. When something bothered him, and only him, especially when it was something like this, he'd rather keep it to himself.

But she was right about no one having pushed him about it before. Bruce hadn't even asked about what happened after the fact, too distracted by Gotham falling apart, and even after that, he'd been the one to finally admit what had happened. And by that time, so much more had happened, and he just... didn't bring it up. Cat was in prison, he was sort of back on track, and then the universe had tried to end. And it wasn't like they'd really done a lot of talking about anything that had happened when they left Gotham. Anyone who thought that a vacation with Bruce, Dick and Tim by themselves, away from everything else equaled talking about their feelings would have been sadly mistaken.

He finally shrugged, not really sure what to say to that. And really, about the other point, he didn't have a lot of choice but to trust her. She already knew. And on top of that, she knew about Nightwing and everything, and he hadn't had people coming up to him saying Hayley had told them who he was.

Okay. Who was he kidding. Even if she'd pretty much blackmailed him into talking, he did kind of more or less trust her, and honestly? It was a moved he might have tried too, had he been in her shoes and concerned about someone. She might have done it out of sheer curiosity, but... he sort of understood.

He looked at her hesitantly at the offer. To be honest, he didn't really want to be alone right now. Even if Hayley tried to get him to talk more about what happened, at least he wasn't going to have to grapple with all of this by himself.] You don't mind?

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