batmanschmatman | 010 [video]

[Hayley considered what he was saying, wondering how it was he could seem so calm talking about these things that were supposed to be secrets. Unless she was on the wrong track, but they weren't supposed to use violence.. There had to be something.]

"Right and wrong." [She replied to his question with a shrug, then picked up her coffee from the table and took a sip. After a thought, she set it back down.] "Mm. How do you know he died if you just left?"

[Keeping it flat and detached was really the only way he's able to talk about any of this. Getting emotionally involved and remembering everything that happened as it happened would be like ripping a bandaid off a wound that hadn't and probably never would really heal.]

Because I heard it happen. [And it had seriously haunted him. He had thought the worst noise he'd ever heard was his parent's bodies hitting the ground in the circus tent fifty feet below them, but he'd been wrong.] Why do you want me to like Harvey?

[Hayley's brows scrunched together in confusion for a second. She was expecting him to continue down the same path, asking who and how rather than jumping to a new topic entirely. Still, it wasn't like he couldn't do that as part of their vague arrangement, so she scratched at her hair and answered with the confusion in her voice as well.] "Because I like him and I don't like people I might be friends with hating people I-- people I'm close to."

[Then her face returned to almost neutral to skip to her next question.] "But how did you know he died? How do you know she didn't miss and get hurt or that she didn't help him get away or something? I mean, you walked away, right? How do you know?"

[Dick didn't say anything about Harvey, staring blankly at the opposite wall. He was consciously trying to keep himself in control. The problem with not really dealing with stuff that happened to you was that when it came up again, it really kicked your ass.]

I was only like, ten-fifteen feet away from her when it happened. I know what happened.

[And he was quiet again, not even bothering to ask her a question. He felt tired and kind of tense.]

[Hayley stared at him in silence for a long time. There was still something there she was missing. She waited for another question to come, but when none did, she slid forward to the edge of the couch and looked at him with concern more than any excitement. Dick was her friend, after all, or something like it.]

"Did you give her the gun, is that it?" [Her voice wasn't probing anymore. It was sincerely questioning.] "What aren't you saying? I mean, short of you raping her or something? I'm not going to judge you. You have secrets. I get that. I do. But you have to tell someone, Dick. You have to tell someone or they're going to haunt you forever. I'm not going to tell anyone if it's something you did, not as long as you try to make amends for it. If it's something you.. didn't do, or something you let happen? I won't tell anyone, but you have to tell me."

[Her voice was nearly pleading by the end.]

[He had to suppress as she continued, certain things hitting him a little harder then they probably should. But when he spoke, his voice was level, purposely controlled, although his hands were clenched into tight fists, and he definitely wasn't touching the secrets thing with a ten foot pole.]

I didn't give her the gun. I didn't rape her. I lost sight of the value of Blockbuster's life and I walked away, and I spent the next couple months trying to kill myself to make up for it, looking for some way to atone for what I'd done. It was messed up, things happened, and I moved on.

[More or less. If he'd really moved on, he wouldn't be here.]

[Hayley noticed those fists and his controlled voice. That meant she was close to the truth and, if nothing else, the girl was good at uncovering the secrets people didn't want to share. Or so she hoped. Dick was someone she didn't quite know well enough to know what buttons to press, but she also knew that if she didn't take this chance right here and right now, she would probably never get to this point again.]

"Do you really think killing yourself would have changed anything?" [Logically, that was not proper atonement. But if what Hayley thought about Blockbuster was true, then she would have wanted the man to die anyway.]

"But there's something there you're not telling me, something you probably haven't told anyone. Maybe you pulled the trigger yourself or you wanted him to die or you asked her to. Whatever it is, it's what's preventing you from moving on. It's why your fists are clenched and you look like you're about to punch someone-- to punch me, I guess.." [She glanced sideways, then back to Dick again.] "I'm sorry, but you really need to tell someone. I mean, I'd prefer it was me, obviously, but I can't force you. What I can do is tell Tim that there's something he's missing and let him try to get it out of you, but I really.. I think you'd be happier telling me, because I don't know the people involved so I couldn't really judge you the same even if I wanted to, you know? And I mean, you don't have to see me ever again. Do you really want Tim looking at you like that? Wondering what he knows? If Stephanie knows.. or Eddie..?"

[Hayley stared him straight on, the same level of concern plastered on her features.] "It's okay, Dick. I won't tell anyone if you talk to me. You know, it probably wasn't even your fault? But you'll never move past it if you don't talk to me."

Edited 2011-01-11 08:23 (UTC)

[Dick sat quietly through Hayley's appeal. For a moment, she sounded a little like Bruce with the comment about killing himself, but the rest of it was... different. No one had bothered to ask what had gone on after Blockbuster was actually dead, no one had prodded him this hard about what had happened, and he'd been fine with it. He'd basically put a bandaid on it and moved on. Besides, there had been more important things to worry about after it had happened. Bludhaven had been destroyed, the universe had almost ended, Tim had been a mess after losing his girlfriend, father and best friend within days and weeks of each other, he'd almost died, and there were just other things to worry about. He hadn't brought it up and no one else had asked.

He knew he was probably just being manipulated. Hayley was curious, and while she did have some pretty logical points - in that denying everything that had happened didn't mean it hadn't happened - it did feel a little bit like blackmail, because no, he didn't want Tim wondering about what had happened. The kid had enough to deal with without worrying about him, and the same went for Steph. He was supposed to be the responsible one, the rock, the one who'd always be there when things went wrong, and he couldn't do that if they were too busy walking on eggshells around him. Of course, her concern could be genuine, but it was the threat of telling someone else - of telling his younger brother, that made him try to strengthen his resolve.

He ran both hands through his hair, taking a slow breath, trying to figure out how to approach this. He still didn't want to, but again, if the alternative was having her tell Tim? He didn't really have a lot of choice.

He tried to relax his hands. It really hurt to keep them clenched anyway, considering how damaged they were in the wake of the Aztec invasion, and he didn't want to make it seem like he was going to snap. He was fine. He could do this.]

I don't want to punch you.

[It was another long stretch of silence before he could actually get his throat to unstick.] After she shot him, I went up on the roof and... It was raining and I couldn't breathe. [Another pause.] I collapsed, and she - Catalina came out and she touched me and -

[He stopped. He was shaking, fists clenched tightly again. The last couple words had spilled out of his mouth, but just as suddenly he'd stopped, unable to continue.

He couldn't do it. He couldn't. This wasn't like just flatly telling people about Blockbuster, or telling Steph about what had happened with Two Face, or talking about his parents. He couldn't talk about this.]

[Hayley was primarily oblivious to what else was going on at the same time as this instance he was talking about with 'Tarantula' and 'Blockbuster.' It allowed her to dig deeper. The girl knew how to recognize hiding secrets both from her own experiences and from dealing with Aaron, Jeff, and others. It took him just long enough to reply, amidst a handful of insecure, vulnerable, and anxious gestures for her to know she was right.

When he said he didn't want to punch her, she held her tongue, knowing another reply would have to follow if she didn't provide him an out. Finally he started talking.. and not saying at all what she had thought. The few hints he gave her weren't clicking, despite taking a long pause to think about it and try to piece things together. Dick was shaking and she still didn't know why.

The inmate got up and moved around the table, never taking her gaze away from Dick. She moved near to him, leaning forward until their eyes were on the same level, searching every part of his expression for what exactly he was hiding. Maybe she would have to convince Dick to kill himself after all.]

"It's okay, Dick. It's okay. I'm not going to tell anyone and no one's going to judge you. All you have to do is tell me the truth and I can help you to get over it. I can help you make things right and move on. This isn't like the real world, you can't escape this by killing yourself or running away. Please. Just tell me what it is so that I can help you." [Her voice took on the almost pleading tone again, the same voice she'd used with Jeff to convince him to jump.] "What happened, Dick? What did you do?"

[For a moment, Dick was maybe ready to try again, just come out and say what had happened, even if he hadn't admitted what had happened to himself yet let alone to anyone else, but almost immediately, he stopped himself, staring at her. She said she wanted to help, but her last statement had almost been accusing him. He hadn't - It hadn't been - ]

I didn't do anything. [He hadn't hurt Cat, even if she was crazy, even if maybe she deserved it. He took a shuddery breath and ran a hand through his hair again, trying to figure out how to continue.]

I just... I just - she was touching me and I couldn't move and I told her not to touch me, or I didn't want to, I don't remember. She pulled off her shirt -

[Maybe it had been his fault. He could have fought back, pushed her off, told her no. Why hadn't he fought back? He was supposed to be better then this. He wasn't supposed to be a victim.]

I didn't do anything. I was just... there, watching it happen. She wouldn't get off of me and I just - [His voice broke. He ran the back of his hand over his eyes, ignoring the wetness, not looking at Hayley.]

[...

...

...

..Oh.

Hayley's eyes widened as it clicked and she stared at him, seeing the tears begin even if Dick was trying to scrub them away and pretend they didn't exist. A tightness rose in the girl's chest that she wasn't quite comfortable with. This was not what she had expected to find; in fact, this was the opposite direction entirely of what she had been suspecting. The way he spoke about it.. she knew it was true, without question. Because she had spoken--or, more specifically, not spoken--about her own experiences twice now. First with Harvey, then with Capa.

The inmate swallowed in the silence that thickened between them, finally mustering the courage to shatter that tranquility with the softest and most sincerely concerned voice she had ever used with Dick, possibly on the Barge as a whole.] "Did she.. have sex with you? While you were panicked and couldn't breath?"

[She avoided the word 'rape' specifically.]

Edited 2011-01-11 23:05 (UTC)

[How had they even gotten here in the first place? He didn't want to talk about it, and he sure as hell didn't feel better now that he'd said anything about it. There were some things he just didn't want to talk about, and this was one of them, because now he'd talked about it to someone, it was out there. In the open. For people to stare at and worry over and wonder why he hadn't done anything, why he'd been so fucking weak and let everything spiral out of control the way it had. It had been so much easier to just pretend it hadn't happened, just a nightmare, just something he didn't have to worry about anymore -

He was staring blankly at the wall now, basically expressionless, eyes still stinging. He wasn't going to call it anything. If he gave it a name, it would mean he was really admitting that it happened to him, and he couldn't do that.

He nodded.]

[Hayley moved awkwardly to sit beside him on the bed, ensuring some space between them, not entirely certain how to respond. She had expected him to admit to killing the guy himself or to killing Tarantula after, not Dick's being raped in his moment of utter meltdown. The girl silently vowed to take care of Catalina if she ever set foot on this ship, but meanwhile, Hayley was having trouble thinking of a reason why telling her had been a good idea. She certainly didn't want to talk about it, even after telling Capa.

And so they sat, Dick staring at the wall and Hayley alternating between the wall and Dick, for minutes on end before she finally opted for the cliche response, knowing it had helped her a little.]

"It's not your fault. You're probably thinking about what you could have done, how you could have stopped it. Maybe if you'd been a little more.. whatever. Stronger, alert, outspoken. Maybe it wouldn't have happened. But it would have, and it did. And you have to realize that there's nothing you could have done to change that, or you'll never move on." [Hayley spoke from experience and she couldn't help that a little bit of that sort of empathy slipped into her tone. She believed the words for the most part; she only regretted not killing her father before she died.] "And it doesn't make you anything. You're not a victim and you're not worthless and you're not weak or emasculated or anything like that. She took advantage of you."

[Dick didn't know what to do with himself. Usually, he'd go out on patrol, try and clear his head, or bother someone about doing something, or just... find something else to do. But he couldn't do that here, especially when he was hurt and tired, and probably coming down with something at this point, because he really did feel kind of like shit, especially after this.

He appreciated what she was saying, even if it was stuff he already knew. He'd sort of come to terms with what had happened, more or less, in that he knew there was nothing he could do about it and he was alive and more or less okay, he'd just never talked to anyone about it before. Or admitted that it happened.

Still, the empathy was appreciated, and Dick was smart enough to know that it could easily come from a place of experience, but he wasn't going to push her into talking or anything. God knows he knew it sucked to get into this stuff.]

I know. [He scrubbed a hand over his face again, managing an incredibly shaky smile, which was pretty unconvincing.] I just... haven't talked to anyone about it. So.

[He paused for another minute.] Don't tell Tim about this, okay? He's got enough to worry about already without thinking I'm going to have a breakdown or something.

[Hayley offered him a slightly better smile than his own, even if it wasn't entirely convincing either. She opened her mouth to speak, then stopped herself when he talked again, but immediately jumped on the end of his words. There was a big red flag there for her. Sure, Hayley hadn't spoken to anyone about it before Harvey, but she had told him eventually. Before the Barge? She didn't have anyone to tell. Dick did.]

"Wait, what? You haven't told anyone? Like, anyone anyone? I mean, whatever, okay, I promise not to tell Tim, but.. Not Bruce or a shrink or anyone?" [And she thought her coping methods were unhealthy.] "Please tell me Gray Skull doesn't know, at least?"

[Dick was fully aware how messed up that was, especially to someone who didn't really know him, but honestly? He just didn't like bothering people with his problems. And he'd picked a really bad time for his life to fall apart. Maybe if things had been quieter, maybe if the gang war, and Tim's support system getting destroyed one person at a time, and Chemo and everything hadn't happened, he would have said something. Or at least mentioned it. Maybe.

Probably not.]

He doesn't. I haven't told anyone. [He settled back further on the bed, leaning back farther against the pillows.] I... I should have done something. Sometimes it feels like - [He paused again, looking down at his bruised hands.] It feels like I didn't say anything because I thought I deserved it.

[He was quiet for another minute, letting out a humorless, defeated chuckle before swiping at his eyes again.] Why am I telling you any of this?

[Hayley again took time to process what he saying, already beginning to work on her reply. She noticed his change in posture and she shifted to accommodate, pulling one leg up on the bed so she was mostly facing him. His response about deserving it concerned her. The inmate's eyebrows knitted together with confusion and concern and she rested her hands in her lap.

When he laughed and asked her that final question, she shifted uncomfortably. The truth was, she really didn't have an answer for that. Hayley had threatened to blackmail him to some extent and she had pushed and didn't plan on giving up, but Dick hadn't told anyone. Why did he tell her?]

"Because you wanted to. You wanted to tell someone and, up until this point? No one's probably pushed to ask. And.. you can trust me, even if you don't really know that yet." [She offered in consolation, staring down at her lap. Hayley lifted the nail of her thumb to scratch the outside edge of her eyebrow, a subtle, nervous gesture.]

[After a pause, she spoke again.] "Do you.. Do you want me to spend the night? You can talk until you fall asleep or until you don't want to anymore-- but you should. You know you should.. and I think you want to, even if you don't really realize it."

[He wasn't so sure about the wanting to part. He would have been fine with never talking about it, just pretending it hadn't happened. Talking about what bothered him had never really been his thing, either as a defense mechanism for himself, or to not be a burden to other people. He didn't want to bother people about this kind of thing. It was different from being mad at Bruce and telling him why. When something bothered him, and only him, especially when it was something like this, he'd rather keep it to himself.

But she was right about no one having pushed him about it before. Bruce hadn't even asked about what happened after the fact, too distracted by Gotham falling apart, and even after that, he'd been the one to finally admit what had happened. And by that time, so much more had happened, and he just... didn't bring it up. Cat was in prison, he was sort of back on track, and then the universe had tried to end. And it wasn't like they'd really done a lot of talking about anything that had happened when they left Gotham. Anyone who thought that a vacation with Bruce, Dick and Tim by themselves, away from everything else equaled talking about their feelings would have been sadly mistaken.

He finally shrugged, not really sure what to say to that. And really, about the other point, he didn't have a lot of choice but to trust her. She already knew. And on top of that, she knew about Nightwing and everything, and he hadn't had people coming up to him saying Hayley had told them who he was.

Okay. Who was he kidding. Even if she'd pretty much blackmailed him into talking, he did kind of more or less trust her, and honestly? It was a moved he might have tried too, had he been in her shoes and concerned about someone. She might have done it out of sheer curiosity, but... he sort of understood.

He looked at her hesitantly at the offer. To be honest, he didn't really want to be alone right now. Even if Hayley tried to get him to talk more about what happened, at least he wasn't going to have to grapple with all of this by himself.] You don't mind?

[Hayley didn't entirely know what she was doing. She had come here to make Dick talk about his wounds, expecting a confession of being reckless or the like. Then she was cleaning. Then she was pushing him for information she thought would lead to him turning out to be a villain after all, then he was admitting being raped, and now he was asking her to stay. Or, accepting her offer. The semantics didn't matter as much as the situation overall. The girl was getting carried away by a mixture of curiosity and sincere caring, a combination which had gotten her into quite some trouble before. Still, it wasn't like she could just turn around, say she was kidding, and walk away to leave him alone by himself.

She knew superheroes always endured a lot. It was part of their nature as entertainment to be destined to fall unto repeated misery and conflict, but she didn't think the writers would do something like that.. Or were the writers really making the choice at all? Here Dick was, alive and unwell in front of her, reacting and speaking like a real human being. The same way Harvey had.

It was more than a little confusing.]

"No.." [The inmate glanced away, biting her lower lip for only a second before she answered.] "Not at all. I just have to check in with Capa and let him know."

[And hopefully Capa would trust her enough not to try to interfere or ask too many questions about why a teenage girl was wanting to spend the night with a superhero. Although, her warden probably didn't know he was a superhero. And really? Dick wasn't her type.. if she even had one.]

"In that case?" [Hayley kicked off her shoes and lifted her other leg to sit cross-legged on the side of his bed, facing him. She also shifted to remove the taser from her pocket, though she set it in her lap. It was awkward to sit on. The inmate pulled out her communicator and typed a message to Capa. After a beat, she looked up at him again.] "What happened to her?"

[He nodded, managing another not happy, small smile.] Thanks Hayley. [It was earnest, honest, and not as choked as much of what he'd said recently had been. As weird as it was, he actually was sort of letting himself relax a little. He wasn't sure why, since he still wasn't happy about what he'd just told her about, but already he could kind of feel the defensive walls going back up. He was consciously trying to distance himself from what had happened, and it was slowly starting to work.

He watched her get settled before grabbing one of the pillows and tucking it under his arm. This part was easier to talk about, even if it still carried a lot of bad memories.]

I made her turn herself in. I tried to turn myself in too, but my old boss wouldn't let me. She knew I was Nightwing, and she didn't want me throwing my life away because I felt guilty about what happened.

... I don't know what happened to her after that. [Although seriously, he hoped she was still in prison.]

[Hayley still wasn't convinced that there wasn't more to the story, but she was willing to get it piece by piece if she had to. There was still Dick being in the mob to talk about and why he'd switched from Robin to Nightwing and what was the deal with Bludhaven and why he hated Harvey so much. But those were all things that could wait. Right now, he needed to talk more about what had happened, whether he consciously wanted to or not. The girl wasn't sure whether it was the desperation for empathy or sincere compassion that made her feel that way, but she liked to think it was the latter.]

"Do you mind?... If I sit on the bed with you, I mean. I can move back to the couch if you want to lay down or whatever. Normally I'd tease you about you taking the couch, but I have this bad feeling you might take me up on it and you're totally sick, so I can't even risk it." [She gave a dorky little smile to accompany her teasing, trying to lighten his mood again despite the serious topic.]

[After a pause, though, Hayley sobered and returned her attention to the topic at hand.] "Do you know if she ended up in jail or got acquitted or anything at all?"

[Hopefully some justice, however stunted, would help him feel better about the situation.] "..Why didn't you tell anyone before?"

I'm not - [He stopped the protest, smiling a little sheepishly. He wasn't going to be fooling anyone, the way he looked and felt.] It's fine. I don't mind.

She's in prison. Or, she was, the last time I checked.

[That one was harder to answer, and he was quiet for a moment before trying to figure out what to say, fiddling with the pillow a little. The full answer involved other people's secrets, and even though he didn't mind Hayley nosing around in his life - anymore, since he was kind of getting used to it at this point - he was pretty sure Tim wouldn't appreciate someone just knowing about all the crap he'd been through. Or Steph, honestly.] Right after it happened, there was a gang war in Gotham. That sort of took priority, and things kind of just spiraled out of control from there. Other stuff took precedent.

[Prison. What a waste of justice.

Hayley didn't say anything else on it, not exactly knowing what she would say anyway. Besides, Dick seemed to be worrying more about the latter answer and, when it finally came, as much as she hated to admit it, she understood. The girl couldn't help but wonder if that was all it was, though. The way he spoke and the way he had told her originally was giving her the feeling there were two answers: the reason he didn't tell anyone and the reason he had convinced himself he didn't tell anyone.]

"Do you ever think maybe you didn't want to tell them? That you were like, afraid of admitting it happened or what it could mean? I mean, if no one asked, it would be a lot easier to try to pretend it never happened." [She realized a little late that this was sounding more like empathy than speculation, but it wasn't like she could stop herself retroactively. Instead, she just carried on, hoping he wouldn't really interpret it that way and just think of her as nosier instead.] "Or, okay, maybe you really did just get caught up or not want to burden anyone while other stuff was going on.. but do you really think that's true?"

[Dick squirmed a little under the pretext of getting comfortable. He didn't like being psychoanalyzed, even under the pretext of being helpful, and this was all stuff he didn't want to talk about. Really, if he didn't feel like crap, he might have suggested walking about the deck or something. That usually helped get him to open up a little. He didn't like just sitting, talking about stuff, but he knew he didn't really have a lot of choice.

He ran a hand over his face, trying to figure out what to say without actually saying anything. He'd never really thought about it before. He'd just done it. He didn't know why or if he would have said something if things were different. He'd kind of wanted to tell Bruce about Blockbuster at one point, especially when he gave him that look - the one that said I know something's wrong and you're not telling me for whatever reason - but he had said he was fine and they moved on to more important things. Dick didn't want to admit what he'd done - or not done - and he didn't want to bother him when there was other stuff going on.]

I don't... I don't know. Maybe. [But what about the other thing? Maybe he didn't want to admit what had happened because he was scared, or more probably, because he felt like he deserved it. He'd made a mistake, he'd gotten hurt, and he'd deserved it because he'd screwed up. He didn't want people to worry about him, and he didn't want to think about it, so it was easier to pretend it hadn't happened.]

[After a beat of staring curiously, Hayley snapped out of her empathy. What had happened to Dick was very different from what had happened to her and she shouldn't have been trying to connect the two for her own comfort. As if knowing someone who had gone through similar things would make it somehow easier or less fucked up. She looked over to his shelf and then down to her communicator, waiting for Capa's reply to ensure she was in the clear and could start settling in a little more. Then something occurred to her.]

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't even.. It's none of my business. I mean, anything you want to talk about, I'll listen, okay? Even if it's not the serious stuff." [Thus far, Dick had done nothing wrong. Hayley had let evil people die, or encouraged them, more than a handful of times and if he was feeling guilt over that, it meant he was either as good as he seemed or he was displacing guilt over something else, something she hadn't found yet.]

[The truth was, however, that Hayley was short on friends right now. Harper's cutting her off from Rex has made their friendship drift a little, Crane was busy considering whether or not to dose and kill himself, and Loki seemed to be so much less redeemed than she had believed. With Harry gone, Cissie and Stephanie worrying about Black Mask, and Merlin dealing with his own life as well, Hayley was becoming more and more alone and that fact scared her. Capa could only do so much.]

Spam! -

Spam! -

Spam! -

Spam! -

Spam! -

Spam! -

Spam! -

Spam! -

Spam! -

Spam! -

Spam! -

Spam! -

Spam! -

Spam! -

Spam! -

Spam! -

Spam! -

Spam! -

Spam! -

Re: Spam! -

Spam! -

Spam! -

Spam! -

Spam! -

Spam! -